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Death By Pasta & Other Ludicrous Things In The "Final Destination" Movies
Who’s excited about the new 3D Final Destination:5 movie? NOT ME. I hate those movies. They’re ridiculous, and I don’t understand why you would pay money to watch people die. It’s like the Roman Coliseum but with more hot women. As evidence of the poor quality of these films, I’d like to submit an example of one of the methods of death that the genius screenwriters dreamt up. I call it “Death by Pasta Coupons.”
Bait and switch is key to the thrill-ride quality these films have, so death never comes how you think it will. In the second film, lottery winner named Evan Lewis survives an interstate pile-up and goes home to make dinner. He does not die in the horrific car accident.
Somehow, a metal magnet supernaturally migrates to the inside of Evan’s microwave, and his house catches fire. As the fire grows, Evan gets his hand stuck in the garbage disposal. But the fire doesn’t kill Evan, and the disposal doesn’t kill him.
Evan escapes the house and slips on some pasta, which somehow flew out the window earlier in the scene. As Evan lies on the ground looking up, a falling fire escape lader impales his eye and crushes his head. THAT’S IT.
The moral of this story is not to avoid pasta coupons or throw away your fridge magnets. The moral of this story is that the Final Destination movies are ludicrous. What do y’all think? Are these movies terrible, or am I judging them too harshly and missing out on campy horror entertainment?
Bait and switch is key to the thrill-ride quality these films have, so death never comes how you think it will. In the second film, lottery winner named Evan Lewis survives an interstate pile-up and goes home to make dinner. He does not die in the horrific car accident.
Somehow, a metal magnet supernaturally migrates to the inside of Evan’s microwave, and his house catches fire. As the fire grows, Evan gets his hand stuck in the garbage disposal. But the fire doesn’t kill Evan, and the disposal doesn’t kill him.
Evan escapes the house and slips on some pasta, which somehow flew out the window earlier in the scene. As Evan lies on the ground looking up, a falling fire escape lader impales his eye and crushes his head. THAT’S IT.
The moral of this story is not to avoid pasta coupons or throw away your fridge magnets. The moral of this story is that the Final Destination movies are ludicrous. What do y’all think? Are these movies terrible, or am I judging them too harshly and missing out on campy horror entertainment?